The Journey

This Blog was originally written In September 2007:

About 2 years ago God started me on a very different journey. Different for me because the ways I viewed and worshipped God were being challenge. I have never been one afraid to confront things and my faith was no different. The journey started when I began to see just how man centered the gospel I was following truly was. Prayers centered on how much I wanted to be blessed, what I needed God to do in MY life to be more comfortable in every area. Every prayer and worship time seemed to center around what I needed or wanted God to do for ME and for those closest to me! My worship time focused more on ME, and what I needed from God, how could he meet MY needs, and make ME feel better? You may think this is not so bad, and I certainly understand if you think like this, but I can assure you there is so much more to God than this. Please don’t misunderstand me, I realize we are to bring our requests to God and make them known, but Jesus also says God already knows what we need before we ask, so my point here is that we need balance and I was waaayyyyyy out of balance.

After several months of poking and prodding God began moving me to a more Christ centered faith that relied more on His grace than my “right” living. He began to show me just how selfish I was and how looking to Him more and not to myself would do me some serious good. So my focus shifted away from my own life and abilities, and more onto His goodness, His perfection, and His GRACE. I was in awe of God’s grace in the moist of my humanity, and I began to see my relationship with him in a different light. Thank God because how good does a person have to be to please God? My prayers seemed to change and my worship was totally different. I wanted to be more like Jesus, no matter what that looked like! I was willing to change whatever, do whatever, and be whatever! My passion for Jesus began to be more real, and Jesus became less of a Genie in a bottle that I called on when I needed something, or just before meals! I began to live a life that suggested God was around me and IN me 24/7.

Then the unthinkable happened; our unborn child was diagnosed with a heart defect. Without immediate surgery he would die! We received more “words from God” that Micah was going to be all right, he would be healed and no surgery would be needed. (After all isn’t this exactly why Jesus died, suffered, and rose again from the grave, isn’t healing our right, our guarantee in this life!!!???) I can assure you there’s nobody on this planet that wanted Micah to be healed more than his daddy. OK, maybe his mommy, I’ll giver her tie!!! Anyway, after many prayers, from so many different people throughout this country (we have family and friends all over) Micah was born and yet still needed surgery just to make it past his first few days of life. I was not ready for this mentally because we had really prepared ourselves to receive the good news that Micah’s heart was okay as soon as he was born. I was heart-broken, confused, and at the end of my proverbial rope.

People told us that God saved their kids from death and harm just because He loved them, and this is how God works; people told us that God shows his favor on them by meeting their needs and answering their prayers, we were told over and over again, “oh this is just the devil”. Throughout the pregnancy and into Micah’s surgery we received a lot of “ministry”, all of it came from the right heart and all of it had good intentions toward us, but so much of it was poised to do more damage than good

Shanda and I were talking one day after sitting with Micah all night and all morning and we both felt like giving up! Shanda was troubled by the fact that if God didn’t spare Micah from this and He saves those He loves from harm and death, does this mean God doesn’t love us; we questioned His favor and presence in our lives; we asked if this situation is just the devil, then is Satan winning, because from where I’m sitting it sure looks like it! These are just a few of the questions running around in our head and coming out of our mouths at the time. But then I said this to her, “I don’t know why all of this is happening, honey, and I don’t know what exactly I believe anymore, but I do know this, God is real, He changed my life and your, and has never left us alone all of these years; and He loves us, period! So we are going to grab His hand, and hold on for dear life; we will put the death grip on Him for right now and sort all of this other stuff out later!”

This child like, desperate for the truth faith is what carried us from day to day for almost 2 months. Everyday it was so hard to watch Micah suffer through so much and struggle just to live. But we got through it thanks to God’s sufficient grace. God never left me, Shanda, Myles or Micah; he walked that walk with us every day and every night! This time showed me what a true comforter the Holy Spirit can be without me asking Him to come, Him to move, and not even being sure what I believe! My faith was in the trauma unit along with Micah just barely hanging on, but Jesus never let go!!!

Then one day as Micah seemed to turn the corner and we believed He was well on his way to the second surgery; we really believed Micah was going to make it! Our lives were completely shattered! Micah was not feeling well one minute, and he was gone the next. Micah died right before our very eyes, and all hope was lost! I still cry thinking of how fast it all happened, why, why, why?

Once again we are forced to hold on to Him for dear life; we are forced to stop looking at the tangible things this life has to offer, and claim it for God’s goodness and then say oh man God is so good! “Look at my car’s, my house, MY STUFF!” We now have to use our FAITH and say God IS good, even when we are gritting our teeth while saying it. Yes, God is good but it sure doesn’t always feel like it, and right now is one of those moments! And I’m not afraid to say that, nor do I think Go is worried about it too much. I think he prefers me to engage in a real conversation with him and not hide my real emotions, as if that were possible in the first place J

So there it is, our faith is carrying us around like a rag doll, and we have put the death grip on the hand of God hoping He hangs on like He has so many times before. I know God is faithful, even when I am not; I know God is good, even when it doesn’t feel like it; I know God is with me and more importantly IN me, even though it sure doesn’t look or feel like it; but this the beauty of our God. He is what He is, and can’t be any different. He is I AM! His nature is perfect and unchanging, loving and everlasting! So for now we cling to these truths and these alone, as we wait for the Lord to renew our strength, our hearts, and our hope!

In The Moment

Everyone says Grieving is a process; today I’m not so sure I agree with that definition 100%. I guess grief is different for everyone and shows itself differently in every situation. But the question remains…is it a process? Can we find a pattern to grief? Does it really get better with time? I don’t know for sure…but this much I do know; I can find no beginning, middle or an end to my grief, instead I daily walk through the peaks and valleys of grief.

I find myself often thinking of the crushed dreams I had for Micah; how much fun it was going to be to have Myles and Micah playing together, maybe cheering for each other and even having some healthy competition between brothers that was sure to make them better at everything they did! Myles misses Micah so much. I can see it in his eyes, and he still talks about it all of the time. He tells me how much he misses him…a lot. Just a few days ago Myles talked about how Micah didn’t get to come to his birthday party at Pump It Up, and he missed taking a picture in the big birthday chair with him. I just lose it thinking of the hurt and confusion Myles has had to endure because of this. He has so many questions, and most times I can’t give him an answer; the only thing I say is, “I don’t know buddy, someday we will be with him again, and then we will know for sure.”

Some days I find myself able to cope with my grief and life goes on; one normal day after another. And then out of nowhere this emotion comes over me and grief grips my heart, filling my eyes with tears, and my head with questions. Nothing else matters in that moment, but the thoughts and memories of my son. This time of reflection could go on for minutes; even hours before I come back to my senses and get back to whatever it is I was doing before it hit me. I find myself not 100% present, where I am, and “in the moment” all of the time! Sometimes I sit in my car, at my desk, or at home and all I can think of is how much I miss seeing Micah everyday. His smile could make your day; there were many days as we were trying to sort through our tough times with his birth, surgery, and struggle to live; And then Micah would smile at me, and in that moment it didn’t matter anymore. He was fine, and so was his daddy. Micah would pull me out of my “day dream” and back into the moment!

I want this blog to be a reality check for me and all who read it; please understand that this is no S.O.S. Shanda and I are tired, hurting, lonely at times, and sometimes the pain brings familiar tears. We are still grieving, still working through all of this… BUT in the midst of it all Jesus has been more true, more beautiful, and more faithful than I ever imagined possible! Again I want people reading to focus on my struggle to be “in the moment” rather than my grief! The problem is grief is real for all of us and it is the culprit that steals us away from the moment so many times!

So let me tell you where I have landed after thinking of this for days…I’ve realized this; when we know someone who is grieving, it’s so easy to go on living our lives and staying in tune with what our plans, goals, and dreams are. And this is totally natural and I have been that guy just as much as anyone! But I can assure you one thing, when I can get to a place that allows me to get my eyes on others again…I will never forget what my grief has been like. I will never forget what this time of test and trial has taught me. By the way, it doesn’t really get better with time. I know that sounds like a good cliché, but I’m not buying it. Today is as hard as 3 weeks ago, and the pain is just as real. I find myself just wanting to “get through” the holidays and struggling to be in the moment for Myles and Shanda. We have so many things to be thankful for and we are giving God glory for it all. But I know this…I will always remember these days of pain and suffering, and I vow to be a light for others in their time of need. I pray God will allow me to be there for countless people when they need a shoulder to cry on, and ear to hear, and a friend to just be…a friend! In that moment, 100% with them not focused on my dreams and plans but laser focused on what they are going through and what I can do as the hands and feet of Jesus in that moment! Remember to be His hands and feet, we must learn how to always be in the moment!

Peace to All
Tony