In The Moment

Everyone says Grieving is a process; today I’m not so sure I agree with that definition 100%. I guess grief is different for everyone and shows itself differently in every situation. But the question remains…is it a process? Can we find a pattern to grief? Does it really get better with time? I don’t know for sure…but this much I do know; I can find no beginning, middle or an end to my grief, instead I daily walk through the peaks and valleys of grief.

I find myself often thinking of the crushed dreams I had for Micah; how much fun it was going to be to have Myles and Micah playing together, maybe cheering for each other and even having some healthy competition between brothers that was sure to make them better at everything they did! Myles misses Micah so much. I can see it in his eyes, and he still talks about it all of the time. He tells me how much he misses him…a lot. Just a few days ago Myles talked about how Micah didn’t get to come to his birthday party at Pump It Up, and he missed taking a picture in the big birthday chair with him. I just lose it thinking of the hurt and confusion Myles has had to endure because of this. He has so many questions, and most times I can’t give him an answer; the only thing I say is, “I don’t know buddy, someday we will be with him again, and then we will know for sure.”

Some days I find myself able to cope with my grief and life goes on; one normal day after another. And then out of nowhere this emotion comes over me and grief grips my heart, filling my eyes with tears, and my head with questions. Nothing else matters in that moment, but the thoughts and memories of my son. This time of reflection could go on for minutes; even hours before I come back to my senses and get back to whatever it is I was doing before it hit me. I find myself not 100% present, where I am, and “in the moment” all of the time! Sometimes I sit in my car, at my desk, or at home and all I can think of is how much I miss seeing Micah everyday. His smile could make your day; there were many days as we were trying to sort through our tough times with his birth, surgery, and struggle to live; And then Micah would smile at me, and in that moment it didn’t matter anymore. He was fine, and so was his daddy. Micah would pull me out of my “day dream” and back into the moment!

I want this blog to be a reality check for me and all who read it; please understand that this is no S.O.S. Shanda and I are tired, hurting, lonely at times, and sometimes the pain brings familiar tears. We are still grieving, still working through all of this… BUT in the midst of it all Jesus has been more true, more beautiful, and more faithful than I ever imagined possible! Again I want people reading to focus on my struggle to be “in the moment” rather than my grief! The problem is grief is real for all of us and it is the culprit that steals us away from the moment so many times!

So let me tell you where I have landed after thinking of this for days…I’ve realized this; when we know someone who is grieving, it’s so easy to go on living our lives and staying in tune with what our plans, goals, and dreams are. And this is totally natural and I have been that guy just as much as anyone! But I can assure you one thing, when I can get to a place that allows me to get my eyes on others again…I will never forget what my grief has been like. I will never forget what this time of test and trial has taught me. By the way, it doesn’t really get better with time. I know that sounds like a good cliché, but I’m not buying it. Today is as hard as 3 weeks ago, and the pain is just as real. I find myself just wanting to “get through” the holidays and struggling to be in the moment for Myles and Shanda. We have so many things to be thankful for and we are giving God glory for it all. But I know this…I will always remember these days of pain and suffering, and I vow to be a light for others in their time of need. I pray God will allow me to be there for countless people when they need a shoulder to cry on, and ear to hear, and a friend to just be…a friend! In that moment, 100% with them not focused on my dreams and plans but laser focused on what they are going through and what I can do as the hands and feet of Jesus in that moment! Remember to be His hands and feet, we must learn how to always be in the moment!

Peace to All
Tony