As I write this update I find myself wrestling with great emotion! Some days the emotions are pure excitement, and other times they are confusing and numbing. Nevertheless, Here we go!
The past few years have been the most difficult of my life. So many things have caused a serious stirring in my soul! The difficulty of getting pregnant as we desired to have more children. Wondering what it could be, what is wrong, why is it so hard for us to conceive when others can shake hands with their mates and they get pregnant! What is going on in Shanda’s body that causes the miscarriages? Why is it so hard for us when there are so many people who don’t want their own babies...often abusing them or worse yet, aborting them before they even get a chance to meet them! There we were crying out to God for just another little baby to have as a part of our family. Then one day that baby we prayed for, the one we so desperately wanted for years had finally come. Micah was his name and on the way! Then at 16 weeks Micah was diagnosed with a heart defect; he was born needing the most serious open heart surgery a baby could have...had the surgery; and at almost 3 months old he was recovering well or so it seemed, and then out of nowhere he got a virus, his heart was not strong enough and he was gone; taken from us on this earth! We were Crushed!
As we looked for answers and searched for God in our pain, we found ourselves crying out again! This time it was a different cry, a cry for the comfort, and strength of God in our pain. A cry for wisdom and understanding, even if that meant saying “I don’t know why”; and let me tell you, we have found more than we bargained for! But that is covered in previous blogs : )
OK, now about 2 months after Micah died, we find out we are pregnant again! No fighting or praying to get pregnant this time, it just happens! How’s that for a roller coaster ride? But the ride had really just begun as thoughts raced through our minds...what if this baby is sick too and we have caused another one of our children to suffer? Will we have to watch Myles grieve another painful lose? All he wants is to be a big brother, and he is going to be so good at it, you should have seen him with Micah! So Shanda and I got on the roller coaster one more time, we talked and we cried through so many thoughts that seemed overwhelming at times!
So we have walked through the last few months desperate to know if the baby was going to be healthy, or if were in for another long tragic chapter to our life story.
Recently Micah’s cardiologist was gracious enough to do a fetal echo cardiogram on the new baby and the news was very very good. She did a scan of the babies heart from every angle she could think of and everything looks great; she said the baby is progressing nicely. We also had another ultrasound this tuesday and saw some 4D pictures of the new baby! She has been given the name Jillian Elaine Simoncini and everything looks great!!! So we are on the long 10 week countdown to her arrival July 3rd, 2008. And the excitement has begun to mount. We are turning past the what if’s and we can finally see the what will be’s! I have begun to accept that I will soon have a “daddy’s girl” on my arm...and frankly I can’t wait! It’s funny because people give you different reactions...they look at you with those eyes and then say “your in trouble” and “just wait, girls are a nightmare”...do I need to continue. Let’s face it, we have all said things like this...but to someone who has lost a baby, and is still going through a time of grieving, I could care less. If it’s trouble I’m in for, then bring it on. Dealing with life as it comes raising a little girl is no trouble at all if you ask me. It’s what we signed up for when we decided to have children!! So Jillian is upon us and Shanda is ready to be NOT PREGNANT, and Myles is starting to look forward to having his little sister around. I would like to share some of the 4D images of Jillian with you all! Thank You for your prayers, love, and support; may God return the grace you have shown the Simoncini Family!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The Pains of Child Birth
Posted by Tony Simoncini at 4:43 PM
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1 comments:
Hi Tony, good to meet you. I nosied over to your myspace page--you have a beautiful family! I'm so sorry your sweet Micah didn't get to stay longer. His earth-day is the day after my Anne's heaven-day (actually, her official paperwork pronounces her heaven-day as June 29th, but she really passed at 11:03pm on the 28th--at home, in my arms. What an unexpected whirlwind! How much I miss her!!! Like you, Jesus has walked with us through the thick of it. He has provided ravens & angels to feed us just as He did for Elijah when he was in the wilderness. How I've related to our poor exhausted Elijah who was so depressed & weary that he wished he'd never been born. But just as God reminded Elijah that he was not alone in his trials, so too has God sent messengers to us--reminding us that we are not alone as we persevere through the darkness of grief. I liked what you wrote in one of your posts about how the grief is the same today as it was; that it doesn't get "better"--I've found that to be true for myself as well. For me, I've merely gotten more acquainted with it. Like an amputee who has to get used to his new prosthetic leg, so too we get used to our grief. We learn how to make it a part of us and give "honor" to it so that it ultimately gives the glory to God. For myself, sometimes I'm so face-to-face with my sin nature that I wonder how any of it can bring glory to God--oh my, how many times I've cried out asking Him how on earth my broken heart could bring glory to Him? But somehow He brings it to pass; He makes it so. He makes my anguished cries to fall on the ears of they who have become desensitized to death & its horrid impact in our world. My sorrowed voice pierces the hearts of many who otherwise wouldn't give death another thought. My goodness, how many people my Anne's story has touched so as to make them re-think their abortionistic ideologies! I've been so proud of all she accomplished in her short little life. I'm learning through my desperate weakness that He truly is made stronger. It's in the depth of my grieving that I've tested what it really means to have His grace be all-sufficient. DH & I began this journey 4+ years ago when we had to give our Abigail back to heaven. And ever since then, God has continually reminded me what it was that made Jacob so special so as to be called Israel. Jacob wrestled with God--up-close & personal. He wrestled so intimately with God that his 'walk' with God was never quite the same. Jacob may have limped in weakness all the rest of his days, but his intimate wrestling with God was worth having his hip bruised. To know such anguish of grief is such a "light affliction" compared to the eternal weight of glory yet to come. As I grapple through the devastation of Eve's Curse, God also teaches me Jacob's lessons. Like Jacob, I have vowed to never let Him go until He blesses me. Ironically, I'm learning that the bruising is the blessing. Truly, I will enjoy reading of your own wrestlings with God, and I will keep you in my prayers as Micah's earth-day draws near. Many blessings for you & yours! Vickie
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