Daddy's Little Girl

Jillian is such a beautiful girl; she is a happy little girl who gets all the attention and love anyone could ask for. She is the first person we all think about in the morning, and we all want to see her bright eyes and sweet cheeks when we wake up. Myles is always talking to her, and if she cries he is right there to talk to her, hold her hand, or sing her a song. He hates to hear his little sister cry. I think even Max (the dog) gets a little nervous when she cries. He is always right there where she is and if he hears her fuss at all he starts to whine and looks around as if to say, “Would somebody do something about this”? I would say Jillian is exactly what our family needed, and I certainly hope we are exactly what she needed.

Our family has been through a lot this year, but the days that fall in between the past and the future change the feelings of the grief and magnify the memories. It’s different because the focus has changed, and we have a very high priority in our house with a new baby girl who needs us to be “in the moment”. So we do our best to soak up this moment and be right there with Jillian because she knows no other way to live. She is always in the moment. When she’s hungry, she lets you know. If the diaper is wet, she’ll clue you in, and when she is content to sit on your lap or on your shoulder she shows you just how happy she is in that moment!

 But I can honestly say that holding her makes missing Micah really easy. Oh My God, she looks so much like him. She smiles like him, cuts her eyes at you just like he did, and her sweat little cry sounds so much like his did. I sat there one night with tears in my eyes, thinking…blessing or a curse? She looks so much like someone I miss everyday; she looks exactly like a little boy whose memories can bring joy and grief in the same moment! Is this a good thing, or is it a bad thing? The answer for me was different in the first few weeks, because it was hard not to think of Micah when you held Jillian. They were born only 4 days apart. Jillian’s birthday is July 3, 2008, and Micah was born on June 29, 2007. The memories of just 1 year ago being in the hospital for over a month watching Micah fight for his life were stirring again, and it made those first weeks with Jillian very HARD! Remembering just a year ago every cry, every diaper, every spit up, and every heartbeat mattered. Life and death were before our eyes daily with Micah and now etched forever in our minds. We were all on high alert with Micah and holding him was such a prize for the whole family. So with Jillian, many of these same feelings and worries have carried over as I watch her and hold her as often as I can. With all of this emotion I carry around with me I have come to the conclusion that the blessing or cursing is in a choice.

Deut. 30:19 God says,

 “19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, 20 love the LORD your God, obey Him, and remain faithful to Him. For He is your life...."

 Though the memories of Micah are fresh and real in my mind, I must choose to be in the moment for Jillian, Myles, and Shanda! And choosing to be in the moment has brought so much life into the days I spend with my family! Today I’m learning that living in the moment and bringing life to my family is a daily choice that we are all working on mastering. With things so fresh, we all miss it from time to time! I said “him” a few times when I was talking about Jillian; Myles and Shanda have both called Jillian Micah by accident, but the reality is, they are so much alike and it wasn’t that long ago Micah was with us; it has taken some getting used to! I have a feeling this likeness will never go away and she will always be the pleasant reminder of a little boy that changed all of our lives with his fight, smile, and heart; and as the birth of Jillian has impacted the Simoncini family, Micah through Jillian continues to impact our lives! Jillian is a blessing, even in her likeness to the son that I miss everyday! This day I choose to feel the grief for Micah, and see the blessing Jillian Elaine Simoncini is to my family and me!

I have realized that in every situation we can choose to make life out of it and see the blessing, or we can choose to see the death and curse in it. Today I’m choosing life! What about you?